All The Small Details
by Hekate1308
Summary: Dean feels that after everything, it would have been better if he had never been born. Just his luck that a monster he's hunting decides to show him that's not true. Christmas story, Destiel. Inspired by "It's A Wonderful Life".
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: So I couldn't resist writing a Christmas story. Featuring Destiel, Dean's self-worth issues and brotherly love. Inspired by "It's A Wonderful Life".  
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The first week he isn't allowed to leave his room. He could, of course; he is not an invalid, despite what Sam may think, but he is not ready for the bitchfit his brother would surely throw if he took a step out of the door.

Sam brings him food and drinks, burgers, pie, everything he considers unhealthy, even alcohol, and ignores everything that happened.

That in itself sets of the alarm bells, because if there is one thing Sam loves to do, it's forcing Dean to talk about his feelings.

This time, though, Sam is just as exhausted as Dean, and he simply wants to take care of his brother.

In his darker moments, he wonders if this is Sam's way of giving up – on Dean, on everything.

Then again, his lighter moments are pretty damn dark too, so he figures it doesn't matter.

And there's Cas.

Cas, who gave up every bit of Grace left to rid Dean of the Mark and, according to Sam, is feeling well and completely human.

According to Sam because Cas and he don't really talk. He's been to see him a few times, but only for five minute tops, and then he only asked how Dean felt and left immediately afterwards. He probably hates him for all he did. As if taking the Mark wasn't stupid enough in the first place, succumbing to it again and almost killing both the angel and his brother must rank rather high on the list of awful things he has done.

And now Cas is human, once and for all apparently, and he doesn't really want to see Dean.

It's fine. He gets it.

Okay, so it's not fine, but still. He gets it.

He expects Cas to be gone when he is finally allowed to leave his room. Instead, he's sitting in the study, reading.

He hasn't seen Sam yet, hopes his brother is still asleep, he looked tired last night, but he couldn't sleep anymore, so he got up, and he reminds himself that getting up early is never a good idea as he stands on the threshold of the room.

Cas would have turned around immediately if he still had any mojo left, but now he has no idea that Dean is standing there. Dean only saw him for a short time when he was human, and then their biggest problem was that he had told him to leave.

He would laugh about it, if he found it funny in any way.

Cas turns around.

Their eyes meet.

"Hello, Dean".

"Hey, Cas" he replies quietly. He can't bring himself to look into his eyes. This is how all their talks have gone. Cas with his piercing gaze unwaveringly on Dean, and Dean looking anywhere but at him, for fear of what he will read in his eyes.

"I made coffee".

"Thanks" he grumbles and pours himself a cup. He still doesn't look at Cas. Maybe he should go to his room.

"How are you feeling?"

There's compassion in Cas' voice. Even though he should be the last person to care for Dean. The hunter screwed up his whole existence.

"Better. Sam's even let me out of bed".

Unconsciously, he looks at Cas and is surprised by the smile he sees. Why is Cas smiling at him?

"He told me you had been "whining the whole week" the angel – no, former angel, never angel again – informs him.

"I didn't have to stay in bed" he mumbles, looking away again. Why is Cas smiling? Is it because he only stayed to make sure he'd get on his feet again and is going to leave?

He has every reason to. He's human now, he could be out there living the high life, or at least a normal, supernatural-free one. Like he did when he worked at the store. No reason for him to hang around at all.

His grip on the cup tightens. He doesn't want Cas to leave, but as far away from him as possible is probably the best place for anyone to be, most of all a former angel whose existence he's destroyed in more ways than one.

"Dean?"

Cas sounds sad. He looks up again.

"Yes?"

"I am glad you are okay" the angel says softly and Dean flees.

He's cost Cas so much, and he's still happy that he's alive.

As if Dean didn't feel like crap already.

Sam wakes up an hour later and immediately checks up on him. He's in his room, cleaning his guns, the cup of coffee long grown cold next to him.

There's a sadness in his brother's eyes he ignores.

"I'm going to get a few essentials" Sam says, but it's said too casually, and Dean knows immediately something's up.

"What do you mean?" he demands.

Sam sighs.

"It's December, Dean."

"So?"

"It's almost Christmas".

Dean blinks and forgets to keep cleaning his gun. They haven't celebrated Christmas in a long time, not since before he went to Hell. Before they knew Cas.

"So?"

Sam sighs again.

"I thought it would be nice if we were to celebrate it this year – and Cas is here, too".

Dean doubts he'll stay till Christmas. There are still a few days left, plenty of time to leave.

"He's human now" Sam insists. "The least we can do is give him a proper Christmas".

He's giving Dean the puppy dog eyes, and the older Winchester really can't say no. Not after everything they did for him.

"Fine" he concedes and goes back to cleaning.

He really could do without Sam sighing every few sentences, he decides when it happens again.

"Promise me something?"

He can't really say no when his brother asks like that, so he nods without taking his eyes of the weapon in his hand.

"Try to be happy".

He looks up and stares at Sam.

"Just – please, Dean. Smile. Do things you like, instead of sitting here brooding. Spend some time with Cas".

That's not going to happen, not after everything, but he nods anyway.

Sam knows that he doesn't mean it immediately, but he leaves, and being alone is all Dean wants at the moment.

Well, not really. It's actually pretty far from what he wants, but what he wants he isn't gonna get, so might as well make it about that.

He forces himself to leave his room for longer periods of time than simply grab a snack during the next few days. For someone who complained that he wasn't allowed out of bed, he's surely reluctant to get far away from it now, but who cares.

Cas certainly doesn't. Since he told him he's glad he's okay, they haven't really spoken.

At least Cas is still there. Although Dean doesn't know if that's a good thing.

Maybe, once upon a day, before him being a demon and Cas being human, straight after the Apocalypse –

No. No thinking about that. And no thinking about these other – these weird – the desire to be close –

Nope. Nothing there. There was never anything there. They don't even speak, and if that's not a sign that nothing was ever there or is going to be there, Dean doesn't know what is.

They are decorating. Every time Dean leaves his room, there is another piece of Christmas cheer hanging around the bunker, and somewhere Christmas carols are playing and Sam talks about presents and traditions while Cas looks at him, clearly confused, and he really tries not to frown.

He fails most of the time, but trying has to count for something.

On the third day he finds a hunt. What looks like just one vamp offing people a few hours away. He hasn't driven Baby in a long time, not properly, not like she deserves to be driven, and he needs air.

He'll simply go. One less problem for Sam and Cas to worry about, and they can celebrate or whatever it is they are planning. Won't even notice he's gone, most likely. It's not like they have really talked since he was healed.

Actually, everything would be much easier for them if he was gone or had never met them in the first place, he decides. It's such a simple truth he's surprised he hasn't thought about it before.

He'll just go without telling them.

Of course it doesn't work like that. Cas comes across him as he's carrying his bag to the garage.

"Dean?"

Cas sounds terrified.

"Found a case."

"Is Sam packing too?"

There's something in Cas' voice, but Dean doesn't have the time to figure out what.

"I can handle this one on my own."

"What?"

Sam is standing in front of them, and Dean groans.

"I'll be fine. It's just a single vamp".

"Dean – "

"I'll be back before you know it" he says and rushes past his brother before either of them can object.

He's driven three miles before his head clears and he can breathe again.

Why would Cas ask where he was going?

Not that it matters. If he's lucky, he might even miss Christmas and the forced cheer Sam and Cas seem determined to make him endure.

Then again, it shouldn't take him to long. It's only a vamp, judging by the newspaper article. Behead and move on.

It's not a vamp.

He doesn't know what it is, just that it grabs him from behind and throws him against a wall, and he's too weak and too tired to fight.

His last thought is that it fucking figures that he dies shortly before Christmas. Sam is going to be pissed.

His first thought would be that he's in Heaven, but that's one place he's never going to, so he sits up immediately, startled, when he comes to and feels comfortable.

He's lying on a soft bed in a decent looking room. Maybe it's Hell and Crowley is playing with him. If so, the joke's on him because Dean doesn't believe in good things happening to him of all people, so he's suspicious right from the start.

He isn't hurt as far as he can tell, and that in itself is a sign that something's wrong, because he did get thrown into a wall.

He stands up. Walks to the door.

It's locked, of course.

His lock picks and weapons are still on him, but he can't get the door open. So what? Just wait here?

"Don't worry" a soft voice says. "You don't have to wait".

He turns around and finds a pretty young woman standing behind him. She's blonde, resembles his mother and Jess, and he swallows.

"You the thing that jumped me?" he asks.

She frowns.

"I'm hardly a thing".

He doesn't answer, but he reaches for his blade. He doubts it would work on her – after years in the business, he has his instincts. And they say that whatever is standing in front of him isn't worried about the knife in the least.

"Call me Lana" she says, and he frowns. Few of the monsters he encounters bother to introduce themselves.

She's not looking very threatening either, she's even smiling, but Dean is too experienced to assume she means no harm.

"Relax, Dean. Nothing is going to happen to _you_".

He doesn't like how she pronounces the last word.

"What do you mean, me?"

"That I'm not going to hurt you".

This time, there's no emphasis on the last word. He counts it as a win. There's not much else he could do. He thought it was a vamp, but that's obviously not true. God knows after everything, after Benny, he's able to recognize one from a mile off.

He should have done more research, but he was so desperate to get away.

He lunches anyway; she shoves him away as easily as if he was a fly. He doesn't even touch her.

So much for not harming him now, he thinks as he stands up.

He wonders what Sam and Cas are going to do when they realize he's gone.

They'll probably be relieved.

"Stop" she orders him.

"With a monster ready to kill me? Not a chance?"

She rolls her eyes.

"Please. I just want to show you something".

"Show me something?"

"You would be missed if you were gone, you know" she answers. "Especially at this time of the year –"

Dean raises his hand. No way is he going to get into a Christmas discussion with a monster.

"You think it would be better for everyone if you were dead" she continues, undeterred.

"Make that into "never been born"" he replies sarcastically, because he might as well tell the truth. Whatever the outcome of this, one of them is not going to live to tell the tale, so it doesn't matter.

Her face lights up and he takes a step back.

"That's a wonderful idea!"

And, without her touching him this time, everything goes black.


	2. Chapter 2

This time, when he wakes up, he's far from comfortable. But at least he wakes up. Didn't think he would.

Lana is nowhere to be seen. There are cars all around him, most of them rusty and not fit to drive –

Wait. He knows this place. He spent far too much time here not to. Hell, it's the only place of which he could say he "grew up here".

Bobby's Salvage Yard.

Why would she bring him here? And where is she? He still has all his weapons, but his phone is gone.

He moves forward and only notices after a few steps that he automatically walked towards the house. The house that's no longer there.

Just like Bobby isn't.

It still hurts. What he wouldn't give to have the old grunt at his side at the moment.

He's about to turn around and find a phone when he notices a reflection of light in a still preserved windshield, and as he moves towards it.

When he sees it, he stands completely still.

The house is there again.

The house is there again, and there's a light on in the study, and he can see the desk, and behind the desk –

Behind the desk sits Bobby Singer, as if he was never gone in the first place.

Dean has to lean against one of the busted cars for a moment. Bobby is back? Who brought him back? How? And why? Did they rebuilt his house too?

And most importantly, _why is he just sitting there?_

Bobby wouldn't just put on his cap and sit down. He'd try to find them.

Dean's at the front door before he knows what he's doing, all thoughts about Lana and the strange situation he found himself in not long ago gone from his mind. He hammers against the door, desperate for Bobby to open.

It takes him extremely long. When Dean pauses, he can hear grumbling – his heart beats faster, he hasn't heard Bobby grumble in so long – and – was that a thump? He frowns. Another one.

Curses.

Is Bobby injured? Is that why he didn't try to find them? But he'd have other ways. He'd put a hunter on their trail. He would do anything that was necessary to make sure they knew he was back.

The door opens, and all the words, all the questions die on Dean's lips.

Because that's not the Bobby he knows.

In a way, it's understandable – he should be the first to know that dying changes people, he thinks with a shudder of self-disgust – but this is just... not right.

Bobby is wearing a t-shirt and jeans and his cap, but everything is dirty. For a guy who drank as much as he pleased and fought monsters on a day-to-day basis, Bobby was always very clean.

His eyes are bloodshot, and it is clear that he is drunk. Dean has often seen him drink, he has never seen him drunk. It's not a pretty sight. He's swaying, holding himself up by grasping the doorframe.

But the worst thing is the expression on his face.

Dean knows Bobby, has known him almost his whole life. And he has never seen him look so lifeless.

There isn't the mischievous I-actually-don't-hate-my-life-but-pretend-to-for-the-sake-of-your-idjits spark in his eyes, there's nothing of the stubbornness that kept him and them moving forward.

And –

There's no recognition.

He's looking at Dean as if he has never seen him in his life, and he wouldn't have thought it would hurt so much.

"Bobby?" he asks, and he sounds like he did when he came back from Hell, when he was surprised and scared and worried, and he's all of those things now too when he seriously convinced himself in the last two weeks that he simply doesn't care anymore. Why do his feelings keep coming back and bite him in the ass?

"Who are you?" he slurs, and Dean expects a weapon to appear, but it doesn't. Why would Bobby open the door and not even protect himself?

"It's me, Dean. Winchester" he adds when it becomes clear that "Dean" means nothing to Bobby.

His surname gets a reaction, at least. The old hunter frowns and shakes his head.

"Winchester? Wasn't there..." he mumbles, more to himself than to Dean. His eyes become somewhat clear and he focuses on the younger hunter.

"Like the guy who was obsessed with that yellow-eyed demon he believed killed his wife?"

"Yes, Bobby" he says calmly. "John. His name was John. He was my Dad".

Bobby shakes his head again.

"So you're the scrawny little guy he was always dragging around with him? Last I heard, he'd run off".

Dean is about to reach out, to shake him, anything to make him remember when he realizes Bobby only talked about one son.

His blood runs cold.

"Guy? Bobby, what do you mean? What about Sammy? You must remember Sammy".

"Don't know any Sammy" the old hunter shoots back. "And I don't know any Dean. So, if you'd do me the favour to piss off – "

He slams the door. Dean stands aghast and starts knocking again.

"I have a shotgun" Bobby calls out. "You better leave or I swear I'll blast the damn door away".

Dean takes a step back, helpless.

Bobby doesn't remember him. Doesn't remember Sam. Most likely he has forgotten all about the Apocalypse and Cas and –

He needs to tell the others. They have to help him.

"It's not going to be that easy" she says behind him and he turns around and screams, "You fix him!" at Lana who is watching him with a patient expression on her face.

"I can't."

"You brought him back, you are going to – "

"Dean, this is not the world you remember" she interrupts him. He looks at her.

"What do you mean?"

"You wished never to have been born. So this is what happened. You were never born".

Dean rubs his face; it's all so damn confusing. Sure, he's been around the block more times than he can count, but Bobby being alive and not remembering him and he never been born and yet her is something he definitely didn't see coming.

And then he realizes.

"I'm dead. And Bobby's alive".

"Technically – " she begins, and he interrupts her, "I know, I know, never been born. But the point stands".

The point that, if he doesn't exist, Bobby is alive.

Bobby died while fighting with them against the Leviathans. Does that mean he let Sam alone? No, he wouldn't. But why –

"Think, Dean" she says, guiding him towards the study window again.

Bobby does a lot of his research at night. Dean isn't surprised that he's awake. While she's pushing him to take a look, he thinks. Bobby is alive. That is definitely a good thing in his book. So he doesn't know Dean or Sam and he got drunk. Big deal. Could be a one-time thing. And maybe he got dirty during a hunt and was too lazy to clean up. And as for the other changes... Dean could have imagined those. Has to. Because if there is one thing he is certain of, he never being born can have no bad consequences whatsoever.

And there he is, sitting at his desk.

His book-free desk.

That's unusual.

There are bottles, empty ones, full ones, some in-between, everywhere. And Bobby is drinking. Just drinking. Even though he's already three sheets in the wind.

He doesn't get it. Bobby's alive, and as long as he is, he'll be hunting and doing research and taking calls. He's never got so drunk he can't do any of those things.

Lana shoots him a look that clearly indicates she can read his thoughts. He isn't surprised. He should be, but he isn't.

"Does he have any family?"

"He had a wife, but she died" Dean answers.

She gives him another long look. Suddenly he hears a normally dead man impatiently exclaiming _Family don't end with blood!_

"I guess he was the closest thing we had to a father – but just because I – I mean even if I'm not there, Sam is – "

He stops because Bobby doesn't know Sam. What happened? Didn't Dad leave him with Bobby?

"All at the right time" she says softly. "It's not about Sam now. What about Bobby? Think".

He's getting tired of being told to think.

Well, he guesses he and Bobby were pretty close.

Unbidden, another memory flashes through his mind.

_Maybe because you're my favourite. _

He'd been under the Veritas curse at the time. Bobby couldn't lie.

Dean swallows.

"Everyone needs something to live for" Lana says quietly. "For Bobby, just hunting wasn't enough. He needed his boys. Especially..."

Dean shakes his head. He can't believe that his life would make such a difference. Before he went to get Sam from uni, they hadn't even seen Bobby in years.

Although, looking at him – and he did call him often at night, when he needed to vent or just talk –

No. No. Monster. Monsters lie. He's hallucinating and she's showing him what she wants him to see, for whatever reason. Maybe to have fun.

Even if he isn't there, Sam would be. Therefore, this whole vision or whatever is nonsense.

She sighs.

"You don't _understand_".

He can't argue with her there.

"I'll just have to show you someone else, then".

She snaps her fingers.


	3. Chapter 3

Another dark and cold place. Great. Dean looks at Lana.

"Couldn't you just tell me what I'm supposed to understand so we can go back to ganking each other?"

She rolls her eyes.

"I told you – "

"Yeah, yeah, no killing _me_" Dean replies, mimicking her emphasis on the last word. He looks around. "So this is supposed to be some kind of lesson? Because, let me tell you sister, if you want me to pay attention, you could have taken me to a place where they serve good pie. Makes listening easier".

She huffs. "As if you would pay attention to anything but the pie".

He has to admit she's right. Still, though, there have to be better ways to teach him something than to take him to a place where he doesn't exist and Bobby is too drunk to function.

"Why can't you just tell me?" he demands.

"Because you wouldn't believe me" she answers simply.

He shakes his hand.

"Why me?"

"Because you need it".

He wants to argue, but there are steps coming towards them, and he really doesn't want to deal with anyone now; for all he knows, someone else he cares about is going to bump into him, high as a kite, and claim that he doesn't recognize him.

So he hides in a dark corner.

He has never seen the young woman before in his life, so that's some comfort. He turns around to demand that Lana take him out of here, but she's gone. Great. So now he has to figure out how to leave this parallel dimension she put him in –

Movement. He can't as much hear as feel it, his instincts kicking in. He takes out his gun.

But what passes the street lamp is not something Dean expected to see.

Benny.

At first, like when he saw Bobby, he feels a surge of joy. Benny made it out if Purgatory without him. He probably had another trick up his sleeve in case the whole riding a human plan didn't work out.

But then –

That's not the Benny he knows.

Not like Bobby – Bobby was still recognizable, a shell of the man Dean loved like a father, but still, definitely Bobby Singer – but –

He's stalking the woman. No doubt about that. And it's also clear why.

He's moving like an animal, like a predator. His fangs are out, like he doesn't care who sees them.

Dean trusted Benny in Purgatory, and he trusted him afterwards. This thing – no one could trust this thing.

Benny stops and Dean realizes that he can smell him, hear his heartbeat. The thing grins and Dean has only the time to put the gun away and take out the blade before it throws itself at the exact spot he's standing.

They are grappling on the floor and Benny not emitting a sound is worse than Dean thought. The silence turns him into even more of an animal.

He manages to jump up; Benny is standing about a foot away from him, still grinning.

He launches himself at him and Dean uses the blade.

And then Benny is lying dead at his feet. Again. The last time, when Dean had to do it to save Sam and Benny agreed, was bad enough. But now?

That wasn't even his friend. That was a thing he had turned into, and Dean doesn't know why. Benny could control himself the last time. It took a lot of effort, and he ultimately decided to stay in Purgatory, but still.

Why not here?

It can't be Dean. He isn't worth so much that his friendship would make a monster who wanted to feed abstain.

"You are a stubborn man, Dean Winchester".

He looks at Lana, too drained to be angry that she shows up now.

"Benny was good. Benny wouldn't..."

"Who did he call when it got difficult?" she shoots back and he shakes his head.

He looks at the corpse of the thing that should have been his friend and a thought shoots through his mind.

The people. The people Benny must have been feeding on. Dean swallows. Benny was fast and a good fighter. How many did he kill before Dean ganked him? And why didn't Elizabeth stop him – she was his grand-daughter, she grounded him –

"She was his first victim after he couldn't find the thirst any longer" Lana says softly.

Dean shakes his head again.

"You're just showing me stuff that'll make me think what you want anyway".

"Not how it works" she tells him. "Trust me, I would show you something far different".

Sadly, she leaves it at that cryptic remark and snaps her fingers once more.

Dean stands in front of a prison. He stares at Lana, but she looks straight ahead. His location doesn't narrow down his options of who she wants to show him much. More or less everyone he has ever known or cared for is a law-breaker. Also, he has no idea how him not being alive should result in someone not going to jail.

As crazy as it sounds though, that is exactly what he's here to learn.

A black car comes to a stop in front of the prison and Dean rolls his eyes. Does the FBI really think no one recognizes them?

He figures he might as well stay and see what happens because Lana is not going to let him leave until she has taught this lesson –

He decides he might as well try to figure it out.

So he's never been born. Bobby is alive. Drunk, but alive. That's a good thing, right?

Benny's dead now, but he was dead before. Dean really wants to believe that means nothing, but he knows better, because a vamp was running around God knows how long munching on his own great-granddaughter and others.

So – was it really him that made a difference there? Is that what Lana is trying to teach him? That Dean Winchester is a good influence?

Good luck with that. He's poison. So he's never been born, doesn't mean that other things in this universe haven't changed. That's how parallel universes work, isn't it? Lots of stones get turned.

He wonders if he should explain that to Lana when the door of the prison opens and the FBI agents exit with –

Charlie in handcuffs.

Dean opens his mouth to call out her name, but Lana takes his breath away.

Literally.

He's busy coughing until the car has disappeared, but then he starts shouting.

"What the Hell? Charlie's smart, she wouldn't – "

"Dick Roman".

"What?"

"Dick Roman was stopped, but not by you".

Sam. Has to be. But before he can pronounce his brother's name, she continues, "The FBI got involved. And during the investigation, some things came to light..."

He looks after the car that has long disappeared.

"She has been locked up for years. She helps out the FBI in the hope that eventually she will get released. It's not going to happen".

Charlie shouldn't be in prison. She's free-spirited, fun loving. She should be running around, hacking whatever she wants to hack. So maybe Dean's moral compass is a little bit screwed, but that's how it is.

"It's not the worst kind of prison, though" she continues, and he's really getting tired of her snapping her fingers and him finding himself some place new.

No, not new.

He spent a lot of time here.

Years, in fact.

Lana is gone and she dropped him into Hell.

Dean darts into the nearest shadow, cursing himself. He should have known. He should have tried ganking her with all he had.

Now he's back in Hell, and isn't that going to be a great Christmas present for Sam and Cas?

It's not like Cas can pull him out this time.

The old guilt he has carried around for so long rears his head, only it's worse, because not only is Cas human, Dean is also glad that he can no longer fly away, wants him around, wants him –

No. Concentrate on the here and now. Hell. Let's hope it's part of the lesson and not really...

A scream.

Dean freezes when he recognizes the voice.

He runs, disregarding the danger.

Kevin is hunched in a cell, trying to stay as far away from a burning fire as possible; sometimes it touches his skin, and he screams.

He's working on a tablet, but Dean can't tell which one.

He knocks against the bars, shouts the prophet's name, but he doesn't react.

He's mumbling to himself. When he looks up, it's clear he doesn't even see Dean.

Dean moves back when it strikes him that Kevin wouldn't be a prophet anymore if he was dead – another person would become the next one.

Kev is in Hell and he is alive. Body and soul. They must keep him alive somehow, with a spell possibly.

He moves further back.

And he thought death was the worst that could possibly happen to Kevin.

His back thumps against the wall, he feels Lana's hand on his shoulder, and Hell dissolves.


	4. Chapter 4

He shakes her hand off.

"What?" he snaps. "So Kev's in Hell without me around? Someone could pull him out".

His argument is weak even to his own ears. He knows how difficult it is to pull someone out of Hell. For the first time, he looks at her and wonders if maybe, he should try and learn the lesson. He might get out of this, at least.

"He isn't the only one" she replies with sympathy in her eyes.

"Not the only one in Hell?"

She answers too slowly, and he knows immediately there's something she isn't telling him. But she only says, "Not the only one you saved who – "

"Saved?!" he screams, "Saved? Kev is dead because of what I did. He couldn't even go to Heaven until we more or less re-opened it, Sam killed him with his own hands and will never stop hating himself for it, and you are talking about saving him?"

"Don't you think that an eternity in Heaven, where he is with his mother and others he loved, is better than be imprisoned in Hell forever and losing his mind?"

"Well – " Dean stutters. "I mean yeah, but why should this have anything to do with me being around, another hunter would have taken care of him, or maybe even the angels, they let Chuck live the way he wanted – "

"They might have done that for Kevin" she agrees, "but the King of Hell got to him first".

"We should have ganked Crowley long ago" he mutters and she shoots him a look that he can't quite read, but once more makes him sure there's more than she's telling him to the story.

"Who knows more about demons and prophets than you?" she suddenly inquires, and it's enough of a non-sequitur that he simply stares at her uncomprehendingly for a few moments.

"Who was hunted almost everything that, as you would put it, "goes bump in the night"? Sam told you once, didn't he? That you were the best hunter he knew".

Yeah, he did, but they were trying to close the gates of Hell and praise from his baby brother doesn't count.

She stares at him as if he is mad.

"Time for a few other visits" she announces, and they are off.

There are so many Dean loses track eventually.

At the end, he's all but speechless.

Sure, he knew he made a difference, but if he allows himself to believe what she shows him only ever so slightly, it's one Hell more of a difference than he could ever have supposed.

He would have thought that other hunters would have taken up his cases, Bobby or Rufus or Garth before he got bitten, or Sam – although after her reactions to his mentioning his brother, he's decided that he'd rather not know where he is in this strange universe.

Apparently he was wrong.

The very first thing she shows him is a man, aged before his time, standing on the edge of a drowned lake.

He remembers.

"Why did you take them?" the man asks in a shaky voice, "why? Why not me? I was the one who did it. You didn't have to take them".

_Lukas. _

His heart clenches as he thinks about the little boy and his mother. The ghost took them and left the Sheriff alive. Maybe it would have taken him after all, but the lake was drained before it could do so, and now –

The scene changes.

It's a cemetery, and young woman he has never seen before is laying down flowers on a grave.

"I miss you, 'Manda" she says quietly, "at this time of the year most of all".

The demon on the plane. No one exorcised it.

Amanda was nice. She should have been allowed to live her life.

It goes on and on.

A girl drowned in a swimming pool.

A haunted painting killing more and more people, no one there to gank the ghost trapped in it.

The corpses of two mangled children on the floor of an abandoned house, a monster standing over them.

Dean's close to begging Lana to stop, but he has his pride after all. He focuses on the plus side – no Dean means no breaking of the first seal and no true vessel for Micheal, so no Apocalypse, and they never let the Leviathans out of Purgatory.

But still – seeing all the people they saved dead or worse is far from okay.

There are a lot. In fact, far more than Dean thought there were, even after Crowley's attempt to kill them all.

He probably figured because this isn't exactly the same situation, that others would have come and saved at least a few of time. Apparently not.

"Don't you think it's time?" Lana asks and he looks at her eagerly.

"Yes, please, just get me out of here, and we go our separate ways, how does that sound?"

He doesn't have much hope it will work, and she shakes her head.

"I meant to do what you wanted to do since you understood and believed that you didn't exist in this world."

He can't speak. His throat is closed up, and he can't speak.

Of course there's something he has wanted to do since he landed in this parallel universe.

There is someone he has wronged more than anyone else, except for Sammy.

Someone who would still be a big badass angel if it weren't for him.

"Pray" Lana tells him, and although he doesn't want to follow a monster's orders, he can't help himself.

"Cas – tiel?" He calls out, remembering just in time that here, it's more than likely that no one gave his friend a nickname.

"Castiel!"

* * *

><p>"Sam" Cas says, barely concealed panic in his voice, "I can't reach Dean".<p>

"I can't either" he admits. For the past hour, he has been calling his brother, trying not to become more and more frantic as time passes. He was just about to talk to Cas when the former angel rushed into his room.

"I can't track him down with GPS" Cas continues. When Sam raises an eyebrow, he admits, "I had it turned on".

Sam nods. "Good thinking".

"I was worried". Cas bites his lip. "I know that Dean doesn't want me to be around him or accompany him on cases. I understand. I can't help you anymore, not really".

"No, Cas" Sam interrupts him. "That's not it".

Far from it. Sam knows his brother, knows him better than anyone else, and Dean doesn't want Cas around because he is ashamed and hates himself that he's permanently human because of him.

He's ready to bet that, if Dean just allowed himself to have something good for once, he would have Cas around all the time.

And closer, much closer, than they are now.

And Sam sees the same desire in Cas' eyes, although he isn't sure his friend understands.

When he gives him a sad smile and shakes his head, Sam suddenly is sure after all, and once they have found Dean, he's going to make his brother see sense.

God knows they deserve some happiness after everything they have been through.

It's almost embarrassingly easy to track Dean. For demanding he be left alone, he has taken no precautions whatsoever to ensure they can't find him, and he hasn't protected his room either.

Sam should never have allowed him to go.

Cas is obviously blaming himself as well, but he still tries to comfort Sam.

"He can take care of himself".

Neither of them believes it.

It becomes obvious that Dean has done precious little research – aside from the obituaries of the victims there's only a map with the marked locations of the killings. Sam frowns.

They build a perfect circle.

And right in the middle of them is a small street. It can't take long to go over every house.

Dean must just have ran there without bothering to check any evidence whatsoever.

Just how big is his desire to die?

Sam looks at Cas and sees the ex-angel fight the temptation to run after Dean. They can't. They have to know what they are up against.

They put on their suits and drive to the PD as fast as possible.

It quickly becomes clear that this wasn't a normal vampire.

The victims have been sucked completely dry, but there is no real vampire bite on their throats – just a small hole, barely big enough to put a straw in – and, instead of the usual assortment of different characters one would expect from a monster that strikes randomly, they all have something in common.

They are all men and women who were having a hard time lately, but were feeling much better a few days before they died – they did better at work or in school, they finished pieces of art they worked on, they had a different, more positive outlook on life in general, as several witnesses testified.

Sam and Cas can only come to one conclusion after looking over the evidence.

They are not dealing with an ordinary vampire. They don't even know what they are dealing with.

And Dean just ran right into the creature's arms.


	5. Chapter 5

Dean's only slightly aware that Lana left again; he couldn't care less. All that he knows is that he's calling for Cas, and that Cas is an angel, and at the very least he can get him out of here, even if it will hurt that he doesn't know Dean and that he's all-powerful again, and knowing that he could still be if he had never met the Winchesters.

Cas doesn't come. Dean tries everything, even a good old-fashioned polite prayer, not like the ones he used to send up, but he doesn't come.

He always came. Sometimes it took some time – sometimes even longer – but he always came, in the end. This time he doesn't.

Dean thinks of the angel he met all those years ago, when "Castiel" was just a name of the monster that had pulled him out of Hell. He'd didn't smile, he followed orders – well, up to a point, anyway – but he would have come. If someone had prayed to him, he would have come. He had valued human life even then.

So why isn't he coming? Is he gone? But why should he be? He never rebelled –

No. How can Dean be so stupid? As if he's the only human on the planet worth rebelling far. He might actually be pretty low on that list. So who is he to think that Cas is out there? Maybe he found someone good, someone who treated him like he deserved. Maybe he's living a happy life and he can't hear Dean's prayers because Dean's prayers never should have been listened to in the first place.

He isn't going to cry, God damn it. He contemplated Cas leaving not so long ago, didn't he, and he could live with it then? So he's not going to start crying because an angel who doesn't know him decides it's not worth his while to show up.

Is that what Lana wanted to show him? Cas won't come? Why isn't she here, then?

Even if she were, Dean would fight tooth and nail to know what happened to Cas. He has to know.

There's only one way to make sure he's still an angel if he won't answer.

He'll have to summon him.

Cas won't like it, but the burning curiosity in Dean will be satisfied.

Where can he get the ingredients for the summoning spell as quickly as possible? The answer is simple.

As long as it exists, and in this world it does, there's one place Dean will go to with such a request.

Bobby's.

Bobby doesn't know him, but – and Dean clenches his hands into fists just thinking about – he'll most likely be passed out drunk by now and he can take all the things he needs.

Lana was nice enough to place him in Sioux Falls, just a few streets from the Salvage Yard.

He gets in without much problem. There isn't as much as a boot trap to keep him out, and he can't help but wonder how careless Bobby has gotten.

As he predicted, the old hunter is lying on the floor of his study, dead to the world. Dean quickly brings a blanket and pillow from the bedroom and makes him as comfortable as he can.

He has the feeling this is neither the first nor will it be the last night to end like this.

He watches the man who was like a father to him for a moment before he starts gathering everything he needs. He's going to summon Cas to the parking lot, not the house, just in case.

Thankfully, Bobby has every last ingredient of the spell – in fact, his hunting and spelling equipment is probably the last piece of his life one could call "tidy" and Dean grabs it not without checking on him one more time.

He's sure his Bobby would have preferred death over this. It's not a pleasant thought, but true nonetheless.

Dean knows the summoning spell well. How well he remembers that barn.

Just like then, nothing happens at first, but Dean simply sits down on the hood of a rusty car and waits. Cas is sure to come; at the very least, he will want to know who summoned him.

He hears the rustling of wings that he hasn't heard in so long and jumps up, turning around.

Cas is standing there, mustering him, both like and like the time in the barn.

Then, he was mustering him with interest.

Now, he's just looking at him and wondering why this human would summon him.

It's surprising how well Dean can read him because his expression doesn't give anything away. He looks more stoic than ever, somehow, and there is something missing behind his eyes, something Dean can't put his finger on.

He looks like an angel, not like a human, and considering that he's using a vessel, that's damn confusing.

Cold, Dean decides. He looks... cold.

"Why did you summon me?" Cas inquires, and even his voice sounds different. Flat.

Before Dean can answer, he tilts his hand in the familiar way and continues, "You don't belong here".

"No" Dean says, relieved. "I was zapped into this universe by a monster..."

"Why did you summon me?" Cas repeats and Dean frowns. If there was one thing Cas had always been ready to do, it was to help. He would never turn his back on any one who's lost.

"I – needed to see you".

When Cas doesn't react, Dean continues, "Like I said, monster zapped me here, and in the universe I come from, you and I are friends – "

"Angels are not friends with humans" Cas immediately interrupts him. "Humans are inferior to angels".

All Dean can do is stare.

His Cas would never say that. He adored humanity when he met Dean, saw it as one of his Father's creations. What changed?

He looks into Cas' empty eyes and swallows.

Because he knows, but he doesn't want to. Because there is only one possibility.

Naomi rearranged angels' minds for so long... Cas was too strong, though. Cas could never be brought fully under Heaven's control.

Here, Cas wasn't. Cas is a good soldier. Obedient. Has come to believe what so many other angels always believed about humanity.

And this in a world –

And this in a world where he never met Dean.

Is he that important? Is it possible that he is that important?

"I was wondering if you could perhaps... send me back?" he inquires.

Cas frowns. It's the first time his expression has changed.

"Why?"

"Why? Because I want to get back? As you pointed out, I have no business to be here – "

"I see no reason for helping you. You have obviously stumbled into a situation that you cannot handle, as you humans are wont to do. We do not interfere in the affairs of humanity".

"And taking vessels, that's not interfering?" Dean shoots back bitterly.

"We need them to complete our mission. And they pray for this".

Dean knows; knows they promise them safety and tell them they are helping God and then drag their bodies all over the planet until they're done with and they throw them away like nothing. Cas still feels guilty about Jimmy.

This one doesn't. Then again, this one never met Jimmy's family because he wasn't dragged back to Heaven because he wanted to tell Dean a secret.

"You are a risk to the plan".

Cas' voice is still flat, but Dean doesn't like the look in his eyes.

"If you mean I can screw things up around here, I guess. Another reason to send me back" he answers, hoping against hope that this is what Cas means.

Of course not.

"What are you doing here?"

Dean has just come to the conclusion that he is going to die when Bobby staggers into their midst. He must have woken up and noticed that someone was in the house. At least he's armed this time.

He shoots at Cas, and Dean dives behind a car because he knows he's going to be next.

He doesn't know if Bobby hits him, probably not considering how drunk he is, and he doesn't stop to look as he cuts his palm and draws the sigil to send angels away.

When he's done, he stands up to check what's happening, and regrets it immediately when all he sees is Cas killing Bobby with a touch of his hand.

Cas killed Bobby.

He presses his hand against the sigil and Cas vanishes.

He walks up to Bobby.

He attacked Cas, but his Cas would never have killed a human. He would have knocked him out. Not...

"I'm sorry, Bobby" Dean says softly. No matter in which universe, he always brings him death.

In his universe, he was loved and a little bit happy at least though, he reflects.

He screams Lana's name, but she doesn't show.

He tries not to think about Bobby's eyes burning out of his skull and Cas moving towards him.

He knows what he has to do next.

Sammy. He has to find Sammy.

**Author's note: Because what puts you more in the Christmas spirit than Cas killing Bobby? Anyway, hope you enjoyed!**


	6. Chapter 6

He figures he doesn't have much time. If Cas considers him a danger to the plan, he's going to communicate with the other angels. And if they can feel that he doesn't belong here, they could sweep down any minute.

He needs somewhere angel-proof. And as much as it pains him, there's nothing to do but hide Bobby's body under a car and make do with his house. It's obvious no one has come here for quite some time.

He is as gentle as possible.

"I'm sorry" he murmurs. "If you'd known me, you'd understand".

He's starting to understand as well, he thinks, and it might be his way out of all this madness. Figures it took a damn monster to make him feel better about himself.

Or maybe not better, but certainly... less bad. Doesn't matter. What he wants now is to get back and give Cas, his Cas, the one that has feelings and rebelled and fell for him, a great first Christmas. And, if possible, ask him to stay. If he has learned anything, it's that they are definitely better together.

Together in any way Cas will – no. Yes. He's done pretending. He's done with looking away, he's done with acting like he doesn't want Cas around.

First of all, though, he has to angel-proof the house and try and do some research on Lana. Maybe he can summon her too.

He quickly draws the sigils and starts Bobby's old computer. No matter in what life, the old hunter always has to have one with buttons that works as slowly as possible, apparently.

After an hour, he has to stop and take a deep breath. He should have done more research before he ran into her house. He didn't even look over the remains of the victims. He really was at a low point.

At least there's every weapon imaginable at Bobby's house. He still doesn't trust her. Never trust a monster who wants to boost your self-esteem.

Sadly, a few minutes later, just as he has snuck a beer out of Bobby's room, deciding that he might as well honour him in a way Bobby would appreciate, Lana turns out to be the least of his problems.

Not because the angels attack. He would gladly have that instead of what really happens.

He feels it long before he hears or sees it. There's a vibration in the air.

He's felt it before. Something is coming.

A whole ton of things.

Demons. Demons are coming.

The house is safe, but still. Demons hanging around the place isn't exactly a nice thought.

He quickly gets his hand on every weapon he can find.

They are coming closer, and now he can hear it to, the whooshing sound in the air he really didn't want to hear ever again.

Before he can come up with a plan, the door breaks open.

Crowley. Has to be. Only the King of Hell could be strong enough to break the protection in one sweep.

He's only half right. And boy, does he wish he were completely.

Crowley he can handle. He's a douche, and he's tried killing them a couple of times, but all things considered, for a demon, he could be worse. At least he knows how to react when he sees his smug face.

But it isn't Crowley who strolls in wearing a suit, mustering him with interest.

It's Sam. Through the door he left open, Dean can see the demons swarming around in the air and there's only one reason why his brother would be here –

He refuses to believe it. He knows that Azazel wanted Sam to become the new King of Hell. But his Sammy, turning into –

"Not exactly what I expected" Sam – the thing that looked like him – said. "When I got word that the angels were after someone from another universe, I had a somewhat bigger threat in mind".

"How do you know I aint?" he shoots back, trying to look everywhere but at him.

He gives him the puppy dog eyes, and Dean would punch him right into his face if it wasn't Sammy's.

He has to be possessed. He has to be.

"I know danger when I see it".

Dean has done enough bantering with monsters for a lifetime. So he asks gruffly, "Who are you?"

He has a vague hope that Lucifer is standing in front of him (and how screwed up is it that he wants it to be the Devil) until Sam's eyes turn yellow.

Yellow.

Dean moves back before he can stop himself, stumbling over the carpet.

Sam smiles, but it's not a good smile, not one of the many Dean knows.

"I rule Hell".

It's so typical, so Sam that he doesn't introduce himself as "the King" like Crowley. He probably thinks it makes a rebellion less like if it sounds like the demons had a choice.

"Sam –" he begins and notices immediately that he is no longer considered harmless.

"How do you know my name?"

His voice is quiet, but Dean is aware that he can rip him to pieces in a second.

"In the other universe – " he swallows. "You were my younger brother".

Sam laughs. He actually laughs, and Dean's right hand clenches into a fist. He forces himself to relax.

"Interesting. I never had a brother, here. Just a father."

The way he says it makes Dean fear the worst.

"What did you do to him?"

"I killed him. As soon as I got my powers..." Sam smiles, as if thinking of a fond memory.

_Not your brother_, Dean repeats to himself, _not your brother. _

"I assume Azazel taught you how to use them?" he inquires casually. "After he kidnapped you from Stanford, probably".

"You are truly well informed. I killed him later".

"You had to take his spot".

Sam shrugs his shoulders. "He could have seen it coming".

He shoots him a shrewd glance.

"You are upset to see me like this. Just out of curiosity, what was I like in your universe?"

"You are a hunter. We hunt together."

Sam laughs again.

"So there was no Azazel?"

"Oh, there was. I killed him" Dean replies conversationally. There are devil's traps all over the house. If he can trick him into one...

"To save me?"

Sam's mocking him now, he can tell, the idea that someone would want to save him preposterous.

He wants to kill him and beg him to magically transform himself into his little brother at the same time, and he hates himself for it.

"You're amusing. That's definitely a plus" Sam continues.

A hand wave of his, and two demons are holding Dean's arms, his attempts to free useless.

"The angels want you. It's best if I take you where they can't. I look forward to seeing much more from you in the future... brother".

Dean closes his eyes and feels himself being transported, not struggling anymore, and a moment later he is in Hell.

He doesn't have to see it to know. The smell. The screams. The blood and the pain and the fire.

He wonders strangely detached if he is going to be kept somewhere near Kevin when he feels another hand on his shoulder, the touch feather-light.

And then he isn't in Hell anymore.

He's at Bobby's Salvage Yard again, and Lana is looking at him.

He would be relieved to see her again, if he wasn't numb.

"I didn't intend for it to be that dramatic" she tells him, "but I can only show the truth – the most likely outcome."

He can see the car he dashed Bobby under in the corner of his eye.

"Did they hurt you?" Lana asks surprisingly concerned.

Dean shakes his head.

"Nah. Actually..." he trails off because it does and doesn't make sense at the same time.

"Actually, I'm good."

She gives him a brilliant smile.

"Really?"

He nods.

"I think – " he's still looking at the car, but he doesn't see the corpse lying underneath it. He sees his Bobby, his surrogate father who lived as good a life as could be expected and died without feeling much of it, still helping to save the world. He sees Cas, who's living in the bunker and learning how to live a human life instead of being one of Heaven's killer machines. He thinks of Sam, who has become one of the best men this world has ever seen, not the devil incarnate. Literally.

"All in all, I didn't do so bad".

His best was sometimes pretty crappy, but hey, pretty crappy is still better than downright awful.

"You understand!" she cries happily, clapping her hands. "You finally understand! You are full of positive energy, you are _inspired_ to make more of your life, to be happy..."

"So I got it right, huh? Then take me back".

When she looks at him again, he decides that he definitely doesn't like that smile.

"I would, but since I have spent so much time on preparing my dinner, it would be a waste to just let it walk, don't you think?"


	7. Chapter 7

Nothing makes sense.

They have been through the files again and again, and nothing makes sense. Why would a vamp choose his victims especially? All they need is blood. But there is this one thing they have in common – this strange more positive outlook on life – and they can't ignore that.

Even though all they want is dash after Dean.

They are buried in old books at the moment, and Sam is trying not let desperation get the better of him, when he hears Cas exclaim, "I found it!"

Without waiting for a question, Cas shoves the book in his hand. It is an old volume about rare types of ghosts and monsters, written by an Irish monk centuries ago.

"_Lan-an-schie"_ Sam reads, translating the Latin as quickly as he can. _"Rare breed of vampire. Known as muse to artists; after gifting them with inspiration, she drinks their blood. Can be killed by fire". _

He looks at Cas. "It could fit – "

"It does" Cas says eagerly. "That's what the victims had in common. They were _inspired_ to live a happier life. I think that Lan-an-schie has to do so before she can consume their blood."

And Sam understands why Cas looks so hopeful.

"If she has to inspire them first – "

"Dean might still be alive".

In the next moment, they are out of the door, racing towards the house Dean marked on his map.

* * *

><p>"Kind of mixed signals" Dean tells her when she opens her mouth and a small, needle-lie thing comes out from under her tongue, not unlike a wraith's torn.<p>

"Do you really think this was about you?" she hisses, and her eyes turn red and snake-like. "I can only drink the blood of those I've gifted with inspiration before – and the more difficult the task, the more delicious the treat". She smiles. "And I'm in for a very good treat".

How Dean manages to stay conscious, he doesn't know, but suddenly they are in her house again, and he does take comfort in the fact that he is back in the universe he exists, even if there's a monster wanting to suck his blood.

But hey, didn't she say there were conditions?

"Inspiration? Sorry to tell you, sister, but I was always rubbish at art. Never made it past stick figures."

She laughs.

"Inspiration comes in many forms. When we met, you thought the world be better off if you had never been born".

His blood runs cold, because she's telling the truth. And she changed his outlook on that. And no matter how hard he tries, he can't change it back, because he thinks of Cas' robotic ways and Bobby's swaying and Sam's yellow eyes.

Unless...

"So you showed me some made-up fantasy. You really think that's enough to convince me?"

"I told you. I can only show the most likely scenario. It's my curse."

And he believes her. He can feel it in his bones. He shouldn't, but he does, and he'll die for feeling better about himself.

And it's near Christmas too. Sam will move Heaven and earth to bring him back so he can kill him again.

She's advancing, and he's taking out his blade, because he isn't going to just roll over and die.

And then the door bursts open and Sam and Cas storm in.

Dean is gonna count it as a Christmas miracle, because – well. It is.

Five minutes later, Lana and her house is burning down, they are on their way to the motel, and Sam is bitching the whole time. Dean figures he deserves it, and it's difficult to be annoyed when Cas keeps looking at him like that, making sure he's okay. They are sitting in the backseat because he "wanted to be near Dean in case something happened"; it doesn't really make sense, but he'll take it.

"Dean?" Sam suddenly asks and he looks at his brother's eyes through the rear view mirror, realizing he hasn't really heard a word Sam has been saying because he's been too busy staring not so subtly at Cas and the back of his brother's head, relieved that they are who they should be.

"Are you alright?"

"I –" he stops and frowns and Cas squeezes his shoulder, but he doesn't need comfort like the former angel thinks.

"Actually" he says, "I'm fine".

The words sound genuine for the first time in God knows how long, and as he takes in their stunned silence and Cas' smile, he decides that their Christmas plan isn't bad, all things considered.

**Christmas Day**

How Dean managed to sneak out yesterday when Sam and Cas were still asleep and get presents, he will never know. But he did, and he's currently once more the first to get up, seeing as he wants to cook them a proper Christmas dinner.

"Dean?"

He turns around to find Cas blinking at him, his hair still sleep-ruffled, and something tugs at his chest.

"Morning, Cas".

"What are you doing?"

"Cooking. Neither you or Sam are much into it, but Christmas requires a home-cooked meal".

"It's early".

"So I don't have to do it later".

Cas nods and takes some of the coffee Dean cooked.

He watches Dean silently for a few minutes, and he is wondering if he should tell Cas what happened when he takes the decision away from him.

"Dean – what did she do to you?"

He wants to tell him "Don't worry about it", the words are at the tip of his tongue, but then he makes the mistake of looking into Cas' honest, open eyes and the words come pouring out.

"She showed me a world where I was never born".

Cas' answer is entirely unexpected. He says calmly, "I assume I was an obedient, blunt weapon of Heaven".

"How did you – "

"I know what would have become of me if I had never met you" he replies simply and Dean is not ready for this, but on the other hand, it's Christmas and he's feeling better about himself than he has in a long time and Cas is _right there_.

"It wasn't just you" he breathes. "There was Sam and Bobby and – I figured out I wasn't the waste of space I thought".

Cas looks at him as if he can very easily believe that Dean thought himself such, but doesn't want to, and Dean very pointedly looks away.

"Dean Winchester" he tells him eventually, "you have no idea how important you are".

Dean's heart beats faster, and he tries to stick to his rule of no chick-flick moments, but fails.

"I think I'm starting to get it" he says, turning the stove off and turning around. He takes a step towards Cas. Then another.

One look at him is enough.

And then they are kissing.

"Don't tell anyone it was so cliché" he tells him afterwards, and Cas' smile lights up the whole kitchen.

Sam notices immediately when he stumbles into the room two hours later, of course, since they stand even closer than before and Cas never passes him without touching his shoulder or hand and throwing him a glance like he truly is the most important thing in the world.

He smiles, but says nothing.

Later, he tells Sam what Lana did, and his little brother hugs him tightly.

"It's logical, you know" he says.

"What?"

"Me becoming what Azazel wanted me to be".

"Don't be an idiot".

"Who would have taught me right from wrong if you hadn't been around? I'd have done what was best for me" Sam insists and Dean is speechless. So he hugs him again.

When he pulls back, Sam asks him if this whole thing reminds him of something and when he says no, he shakes his head and mumbles something to himself that sounds like "So much for Mr. Movie". Dean doesn't understand what he means.

He got Sam an ebook reader and Cas one of those garish sweaters he likes so much. He might also have thrown in a stuffed bee because – well, Cas still finds bees fascinating, but he'd never admit it to anyone else.

He doesn't tear up when he gets a small model car of his Impala that Cas found and just had to buy and a set of new wrenches from Sam and scowls at the Doctor Sexy box set his little brother throws in for good measure even though they all know it's just for show.

In the evening, they are watching Christmas specials on tv, and Dean is doing his best we-are-not-cuddling-expression with Cas cuddled up next to him, ignoring the looks Sam throws him.

"Dean" Cas says in the middle of yet another version of _A Christmas Carol_.

"Hm?"

"I am glad you exist" he says sincerely and Dean has to bite his lip before he says something too cheesy.

He glances at Sam, who's buried in his new ebook reader – of course he already downloaded books – then looks at Cas.

"Yeah" he says slowly, "I'm too".

It's Christmas alright.

**Author's note: And this is the last chapter. A very merry Christmas to all of you!**


End file.
